Allowing Anxiety

Pro tip: Don't look at work emails right before you're going to bed. Especially if it's 3 a.m. I don't get many emails to my work account, so I was surprised to see the bolded subject line. The contents read that one of my staff members had a concern and wanted to speak to me the next day. My mind immediately went into a frenzy.

"I'm going to get in trouble"

"This is it"

"I knew this would happen"

"I'm not cut out for this"

"No one is going to trust me again"

My pounding heart easily pieced through the quiet of my room.

Past me would have probably spent the remainder of the night preparing a speech to my boss, making sure I couldn't be blamed. Replay every possible scenario the staff member might've been referencing (as the email was vague). Send an email to my boss to give a heads up (again, a heads up about what? I don't know)

But, I know that my anxiety wasn't coming from the email. It was coming from my thoughts about the email.

The email itself has no power. It's just digital, black letters on a screen. They can't cause me to feel or do anything. I had chosen to believe unhelpful thoughts about the email, so I went back to the facts:

- A staff member sent an email stating that she had a concern and wanted to talk about it.

That's it.

The email doesn't mean I'm in trouble, that I've done a bad job, or that I'm not capable in this new role. I told myself that story.

At this point, consciously, I knew that I was ok but my body was still in fight or flight and I allowed it to go through the motions.

The anxiety coursed through my body like a fast and light energy. If I had to pick a color for it, I'd describe it as neon yellow - as if to warn me of danger. It felt hot and strong. It caused my limbs and body to tingle. My breath was quick and shallow. There was a hint of dread in the pit of my stomach which caused it to feel like a sinking hole.

I felt the discomfort of the anxiety and allowed it to be there. The more I described it and noticed it, the more the sensation lessened. It still took me a good hour to fall asleep, but that's still better than the all-nighter it would have been.

The next morning, the anxiety peeked its head again and I allowed it to be there as well. I knew it would because all emotions are just like waves. They come and go and never last forever (although it can feel like that sometimes)

May this small moment of my life help you recognize the power you have in any situation. You always have control over your mind.